No Stranger to Fiction

A friend asked me recently if I'd ever considered writing fiction.  "After all," she opined, "writing about the drudgery of real life can be, well, drudgery to read after a while."  I gave her my standard line about 'writing what one knows,' and then went on to explain that I'm simply far too lazy to put any real effort into my written work.  With that being said, I've hit a dry well as far as my writing goes these days, so in order to overcome it I forced myself out of my comfort zone and came up with a few ideas.  I've not yet determined whether any of these will come to fruition.  If they do, then I'll have the mundane task of figuring out whether or not they shall manifest into short stories (most likely, see my comment re.:  lazy), novellas, novels, screenplays, or full-on, life-changing epic adventures.

So here's what I've got thus far.  Let me know your thoughts.  If anything strikes your fancy, I might pursue it, or perhaps give you the green light to write it yourself, you freeloader (see 'tip jar').

The Baptists Were Right - Jack finds himself at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by his boyhood Baptist preacher, Brother Con.  Brother Con informs Jack that everything he preached was true, and that the nondenominational spiritual garbage Jack practiced his entire adult life was not going to fly.  Jack must return to Earth and relive his life as a committed Southern Baptist.  He must avoid drinking, dancing, and compassion.  He must shun Catholics and homosexuals as he bellys up to the Sunday afternoon all-you-can-eat Country Buffet.  He must grow a horrible moustache.  Hilarity ensues.

Fashionably Late - Gloria is a fashion designer by day and a crime-fighting superhero by night.  When a Mexican shoe cartel vows to take over footwear manufacturing worldwide, it's up to Gloria (aka Fashion Flash) and her trusty sidekick, Pierre the Monkey (aka Pierre the Monkey) to bring down the cartel and save the shoe-buying public from exorbitant price mark-ups and low quality materials.  She also finds herself wildly attracted to Jose, a cartel henchman with a shady past.  A tearjerker.

Big Man in the White House - citizens of the United States, fed up with the political status quo, overthrow the government and elect Todd, the most popular boy in his high school, as commander-in-chief.  His good grades, athletic prowess, commitment to student causes, and his way with the ladies serve him well until he's faced with a decision no leader should ever have to face:  going to the state championship with the rest of his basketball team, or attending a global summit to stamp out virus-carrying terrorists.  Slapstick at its best!

Don't Cry for Me, Margarita - Charlene, an unhappy housewife, is fed up with her ungrateful family and heads west with her maid, Margarita, in order to find herself.  And find herself, she does - right in the middle of a traveling circus.  Margarita implores Charlene to reconsider her decision to join this team of freaks, even though Charlene has quite a knack for lion-taming (who knew!?).  Will Margarita stick around?  Will Charlene come to her senses?  Will her family even notice she's gone?  Cliffhangers abound!

The Secret Society of the Washed-Up Has-Beens - Former child star Leslie Lawrence, now a thirty-something out of work actress, decides she's had enough of Hollywood and calls on a few old friends to make changes within the entertainment community: there's Steve, an eighties one-hit-wonder who can no longer sing his one hit due to chronic respiratory issues; Midge, the pint-sized star in the 1990 documentary 'Life With Midge' who, at the age of 40, is still too short to ride a roller coaster much less get any work in film, and Glen, the once-celebrated costume designer who was blacklisted when he accidentally spilled coffee on Alec Baldwin's underpants when they worked together on Knots Landing.  Sheer terror.

That's what I've got so far.  Again, your (positive) comments will be appreciated.  Feel free, though, to offer any constructive (ie: positive) criticisms.  Thanks bunches, Sweeties!

April's Nutshell

Okay, okay, okay – I know!  I’ve been incredibly lax in musing elegantly on a consistent basis, but I promise, Sweeties, that I will get back on track.

As we bid April a fond farewell, I think it wise to review this past month to see just how elegant we’ve truly been.  I confess I’ve fallen short, so no need to beat yourselves up if you, too, haven’t behaved as elegantly as you should.  We’re only human after all, and in a world where elegance is hard to come by, it’s no wonder we slip from time to time.  So, here I go with my true confessions:

*As much as I enjoy writing, putting my words into songs is far more difficult than I imagined.  I’m going for Dolly Parton, but keep ending up with Weird Al Yankovic. I feel, however, that  A Busload Full of Angry Spaniards is destined to be a hit.  How do I know?  Because I lived it, and everyone knows that only authentic, heartfelt, sincere music gets attention (that’s sarcasm, for those of you who don’t know me well).

*I must practice patience with people who still have no idea what it is I do for a living.  I teach.  I wardrobe.  I write.  I fabulosticize.  I make up new words in order to suit my needs.  I do no sell products, nor have any desire to.  I do not preach sermons, though I’ve been accused of coming off a bit preachy from time to time, particularly in my writing efforts.  I am not a nutritionist, but I’m comfortable with what little I know about the subject to inform you that ten sodas a day is not a good idea.  I am not a counselor, a fashion designer, a seamstress, or a gynecologist.  Honestly, you’d be amazed by some of the inquiries I receive.

*A pumpkin patch may not have been the best idea for my small patio.

*I never thought I’d have to impersonate someone else in order to make a very important ‘cake deal’ go down, but I did.  If you happen to spot me inside a bakery, please refer to me as ‘Bonnie’.

*Passive-aggressiveness while climbing ladders might backfire, resulting in a mild back injury.  Simply ignore the one who’s commenting under her breath that you’re getting preferential treatment from her crush.  By the way, the crush is involved with Steve.  I can’t believe she doesn’t know that.  It’s not like he’s trying to hide it or anything.

*There really is no greater satisfaction for me than teaching a child, particularly one who’s struggling in a typical classroom setting.  He’s making progress.  Maybe when I grow up, I’ll go back to teaching full time.  I miss it.

So there you be with word from my little corner of the universe.  How’s it going in yours?

They Are Not Lunkheads. They Are Trash.

I stole today’s title.  It’s a line from Jincy Willet’s story, *The Best of Betty.  I don’t know why it made me laugh out loud, and I certainly can’t tell you why I chose it as the title for this little musing.  It’s counter to all the ‘life is meant to be good and we should all love one another and you should really try to look your best’ blah blah blah I usually try to promote.

I suppose blah blah blah sums up my mood today.  I’ve been falsely accused recently of always being in a good mood, and I generally am.  But when someone describes me as nauseatingly happy, it causes me to pause and reflect on just how far I’m pushing this happiness thing – onto others, and onto myself.  If people want to vomit after spending ten minutes in my company, I’m obviously not doing something right.

But am I happy?  Yes.

Am I always in a good mood?  Certainly not.  In fact, I can get downright snarky, and this little literary effort is my outlet for doing so today.  Some people like it when I go on a snarky tangent; others not so much.  If you fall into the latter category, I invite you to leave immediately and return when the content centers on lollipops and roses again (snarky remark #1). 

I’m not choosing to be snarky or reveal my woes for the sake of getting attention, like a lot of folks who air dirty laundry in public and on social media sites (snarky remark #2).  In fact, I try to draw as little attention to myself as possible (note the fact that this blog only has 17 followers, and yes, that’s snarky remark #3).  I’m doing this so that others who have, like me, hopped aboard the feel-good train know that doubts, concerns, and general malaise can still creep in.  As a passenger, I know it’s important to snap out of it, and I will.  Myriad ways exist in which to do it.  I hope my fellow passengers know it, too, and I hope that they actually get a kick out of how I’m choosing to snap out of it by wallowing in it for a little while.

Questions?

Yes, thank you for asking, I have many, and here they are, in no particular order:

Does God really care, or is He too caught up in searching for a new pope that He can’t really focus right now on my trifling little worries?  (snarky remark #4)

Why do some give so much and receive so little? 

Why do some give so little and receive so much?

I’m sure he had his reasons, but why?  

 PALM BEACH, FL (Palm Beach Post) A customer at a store in the 100 block of North Dixie Highway stuffed two bottles of Head &Shoulders shampoo into his pants, then left the store without paying for them. He was arrested for the $15.58 theft and taken to the county jail. 

He obviously needed the Head & Shoulders, but really, pant-stuffing has become such a cliché among thieves these days.  I hope his jail time wasn’t long.  I think he’s got bigger, more head-scratching problems to deal with (snarky remark #5.  corny joke #1).

Why am I not jazzed about this season’s Project Runway?

Why do these and other questions keep me awake at night, and why can’t I simply just turn my brain off occasionally?

I wish I knew, but I don’t.  Not now, anyway.  In good time, I’m sure all will be revealed (except for the shampoo thief who’s probably keeping a low profile due to the embarrassment of jail time and dandruff.  Snarky remark #6).

Answers.

I have a few, in case you’re in the market for any.

Those who generally go about life all bubbly do hit a wall from time to time, so give them a break and quit trying to cheer them up.  Stop hounding them with questions, but do consider buying them a nice gift (snarky remark #7).

If you’re one of the bubbly ones, don’t tell others when you’re feeling a bit blue.  Blog about it instead (snarky remark #8).

Finding like-minded souls helps, no matter how weird they may seem, so get over the fact that you may have to drive twenty minutes out of your way to get to them (snarky remark #9).

As much as I’ve preached about the sins of too much TV, a little daily viewing can certainly be a good sort of get-away.

Stop trying to make everyone happy.  It won’t work.

AOB

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.  Name-calling is never nice, chic, or elegant, but it can be fun sometimes (snarky remark #10).  This lunkhead enjoys it occasionally, but only does it in a teasing manner….usually.   Trash is a category, and we should never categorize our fellow humans as such.  Blog entries, on the other hand, well, that’s a different story (snarky remark #11).

There, I managed to tie in the title with the actual content.  Talk about a good little ‘pick me up’– well done, me! (snarky remark #12)

 

*The Best of Betty by Jincy Willet can be found in the anthology Children Playing Before a Stature of Hercules.  Forward written by David Sedaris.

 

Nothing on My Mind

Once upon I time, I used writing as therapy.  I’ve kept journals since I was about 12-years-old, and always found that getting the thoughts in my head down on paper helped me sort out things about myself and the world around me.

So does the fact that I’ve got nothing to write about today mean I’ve no thoughts in my head?  No.  I woke up wondering why my dryer doesn’t dry effectively.  I then mused at great length over coffee about Madonna and why she won’t go away, and wondered who told her that donning a cheerleading costume on stage was a good idea.  She certainly falls into the ‘just because you can, doesn’t mean you should category’ doesn’t she?   After coffee I thought about the errands I had to run today and wondered if I should take my 22-year-old cat in for a face lift. Welcome to the brain of Beth Newman, boys and girls!

 Since writing was, once-upon-a-time, cathartic, does this apparent writer’s block mean I’ve solved all my problems and those of the world? No.  We still have good people wearing bad clothes, and those quick to blame others when things don’t go their way.  We have people who’ve no idea how they’re perceived by others, and we’ve people who do dumb things on a regular basis.

It dawns on me that I’ve used writing to ease my frustrations:  why don’t people want to look their best, always?  Why don’t they want to take ownership of their lives?  Why don’t they want to rise above and act a bit classier than their neighbors?  I still ask these questions, but I’m much less frustrated than I used to be about them.  My powers are limited, after all, and the world would certainly be a boring place if we were all nice, neat little packages. 

Perhaps it means that I’m content – finally – to just ‘be’, and to let others ‘just be’.  I’m not closing up shop, because business has been quite good lately – maybe that has something to do with my lack of motivation to write.  I’m blessed and busy helping others in person rather than trying to change them through my little musings.

So what’s on my mind right now?  Gratitude, for starters, for too many things to list here.   I’m also thinking about what to have for lunch.  And I just can’t get that picture of Madonna in a cheerleading costume out of my head….

Beth Newman

Image Consultant, Mentor, Author

www.newmanimage.info

Check out my new radio show, The Fabulosity Factor with Beth Newman, at www.blogtalkradio.com/bethnewman each Wednesday at 10AM CST.

Was It Something I Said?

Yours truly has recently been called out regarding a couple of articles I’ve written, so I thought it wise to come clean about a few things.

First of all, I’m not writing about you. I take little bits and pieces of things I witness, things that I feel should be addressed, and attempt to shed a little light on the matter. I’m not judging anyone, nor am I attempting some sort of underhanded jab at anyone. That’s not my style, and anyone who truly knows me understands that.

Second, it’s fine and dandy to question anything I’ve written. As a writer, I expect it. Heck, I encourage it. Let’s generate some sort of dialogue and get a ‘big picture’ movement going. With article-writing and blogging, we tend to write in generalities – the genre simply won’t allow us to dive in too deeply and cover every aspect of every situation. I’ve got my views; you’ve got yours, so let’s chat!

I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and anyone who’s spent a good five minutes with me can certainly attest that I am not.

So rather than musing about it all, I’ll just make a list and let you know where I stand on certain things – things that I’ve actually been questioned about lately:

-We’re all here for a reason, so why not make it a good one? I like to help people, I really do, and I know that within us all dwells the power to create meaningful, magnificent lives. If I can help you tap into that power with any little musing I might publish, then I’m a happy girl, for sure! Any guilt or resentment you may feel upon reading any of my little scribblings might be an indication that something isn’t right in your world. I’d be more than happy to help you figure it out, because I want you to live joyfully and peacefully. I sincerely mean it.

- For me, personally, television is a big waste of time. What little free time I do have is spent outdoors – by the pool, on the beach…just seek out some water, and you’re sure to find me there. Don’t ask me if I’ve caught (insert your favorite program here) because I haven’t. I’m a fan of Absolutely Fabulous; I own the DVD collection and watch it probably far more than I should, Sweetie-Darling. Project Runway is a hit with me, and occasionally I’ll catch The Office and 30 Rock. You have your shows, I have mine, and that's that, as far as I’m concerned.

- As a woman I find Sex and the City truly offensive. I can’t say why, specifically – I just do. Please stop asking me if I’ll go see it with you. If it entertains you, that’s great – that's what it's supposed to do. It leaves me sad and a bit frightened…but that’s just me. I, evidently, have overlooked that certain something that makes it so popular. (And yes, I did watch a few episodes, and am baffled that it became not one, but two smash movies - go figure!)

-Generally speaking, I have no problem with plastic surgery. I’ve no problem with Botox. I’ve an issue, however, with overall transformations on the Heidi Montag scale. I’ve often found, too, that sometimes those little nips, tucks, and augmentations never truly satisfy a girl. Confidence, self-esteem, and happiness must come from within.

-I do not have a problem with people who are overweight. I’ve been there myself, and I know how challenging it can be to lose it. I am, however, concerned by those who merely complain about being overweight rather than actually doing something about it.

-I’ll never understand the popularity of crocs, nor do I get why so many people choose to wear track suits during air travel.

-I don’t get your garden gnome, and I get it that you may not understand my framed photo of Rick Springfield that sits on my desk.

You see, we all have our ‘things’ – our likes, our dislikes, our preferences, and such. I’m really not trying to push any sort of ideal off on you. I merely want to inform, perhaps enlighten, and maybe even entertain through my writing.

And that, my friends, is me in a nutshell: a silly girl who believes that life should be a worthy and fun adventure, a gal who believes in the power of fabulous shoes, a chick who enjoys a good laugh at the absurdity of pretty much any given situation, and someone who truly never intends to offend anyone.

I’m me…you’re you…and it’s all good, as far as I’m concerned.

Beth Newman
Image Consultant/Life Coach
Newman Image
www.newmanimage.info
Look, feel, and LIVE your absolute best!