Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Light Lessons

Now that the CBS soap Guiding Light has been turned off for good, I’m compelled to share lessons I’ve learned from the show. Yes, I realize just how silly it is for one to become attached to one’s show, but Guiding Light, with its rich, seventy-two year history and character-driven storylines, made a huge impact on me at an early age, and continued to do so as I grew into adulthood. These are lessons I cherish, ones I will surely pass along to younger generations until someone has me committed. Enjoy!

Love Is In The Air….
Who cares if the woman you love marries your brother, your father, and several other men in the community? Who cares if she drives off a bridge in the Florida Keys after having your baby? Deep down, you must know that she really loves you, too…."always". (Josh and Reva)

Should you begin to fancy your mother’s boyfriend, it’s best to make your move during a city-wide blackout. Be careful, though: photographers just may catch the two of you in a compromising position, which could dash his hopes of a political career. (Blake and Ross)

Wealthy young men will always fall for the poor girl, particularly if she’s had a troubled past. (Phillip and Beth, Alan-Michael and Harley)

Medical Miracles….
Should you discover that you suffer from a rare, deadly disease, bone marrow donated by your adoptive father who has a long history of heart ailments will save you. It may not, however, be the best thing for him. (Phillip andAlan).

Heart transplants are quite easy to come by, and the recovery time is remarkably short. (Rick and Olivia)

Amnesia, too, is quite easy to acquire. One may even get a book deal out of it, or marry island royalty. (Beth andReva)

Don’t mourn the loss of a loved one too much; they may, in fact, turn up alive and well years later. Check the strange man lurking behind the mask, an Amish community, or an insane asylum. (Roger, Reva, Phillip)

Don’t believe a drug-addicted nurse when she tells you that your twins were fathered by two different men.(Blake and Annie)

You can have a baby after menopause! (Reva)

Friends Forever….
A good friend will understand when you win the heart of the girl he fancies. He will also help you fake your own death and forgive you when you kidnap his son. (Rick)

A Family Affair…
Do insure that your home is large enough to accommodate a child you’ve no recollection of giving birth to. (Reva and Jonathon). Also, the child you secretly gave up for adoption years ago will return some day – you can bet your sweet boots on that! (Vanessa and Dinah, Sara and Cassie, Reva and Dylan)

It’s easy to forget about family members once they move away (every family in Springfield)

Faking one’s pregnancy never works, particularly if you’ve locked a pregnant teen in your attic hoping to pass her baby off as your own (Nadine and Bridget)

Getting Ahead…
Sure, accelerated medical school sounds like a good idea, but it may cause you to become dependent on amphetamines (Rick)

One needn’t have any formal education to run his father’s (or grandfather’s) multi-billion dollar industry (Phillip, Alan-Michael, and Lizzie)

Intimidation, blackmail, and playing on the heart-strings of others works, but karma will always come back to get you. (Roger)

The Ties That Bind…
Through life’s unpredictable ups and downs, there are those people with whom you’ll always share a connection. It may not necessarily be a love connection, but it’s a deep, soul-driven power that brings you together every time. (Holly and Ed)

The Bad Guy…
Deep down, no matter how dastardly his deeds, even the worst among us can bring a little good into this world: Alan’s ultimate sacrifice for Phillip, Roger’s undying love and devotion to his daughter, Blake, and Edmund’s attentiveness to a young, cancer-stricken Lizzie.

And let’s face it – the villain is far more interesting than the upstanding citizen. I’d rather share a glass of wine with India Von Halkein than Michelle Bauer any day.

There’s much t o be said for remaining calm during any storm: I could always count on Ross Marler, Ed Bauer, and Josh Lewis to think problems through clearly. They were strong, wise, and respected leaders.

Speaking of strength, there’s much to be said for overcoming abuse and adversity with grace and elegance – thank you, Beth Spaulding and Holly Reid, for setting that fine example.

And there’s nothing better than a feisty, intelligent, attractive older dame who consistently looks fabulous and is generous with sharp, snappy comebacks. I hope to be you, Alexandra Spaulding, when I growup!

So, as you can see, dear friends, there have been some truly substantial life lessons I’ve taken away from Guiding Light. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to tamper with my neighbor’s medical records, buy a dog for a hearing-impaired, impotent detective, pick up a tube of lipstick for a man pretending to be a woman to get back at the woman who spurned him, and check in on my secret daughter who’s currently being raised by carnival folk. If time allows, I’ll push a former lover off a cliff, and check in with the local asylum to see if any of my relatives may be there (believe me, some of them should be). Then it’s off to Company for a Buzz Burger. All in a day’s work, Springfield-style!

1 comment:

  1. I love it! I guess I should call Kent and warn him that you his life could be in danger with all this "knowledge" you have acquired over the years!