Do-Over

Ladies, gentlemen, and undecideds:  it's a brand new year, and I'm sure many of you are chock full of hope and strong resolve to make this, 2015, the best year ever.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Personally, I don't do 'resolutions' anymore.  I make a mental note of things I want to rid myself of and go from there.  I added a little punch to it this go-'round by attending a New Year's Eve bowl burning ceremony, which is not to be confused with something the stoners in your life might enjoy.  No, in this brand of 'light up', we write down bad habits, baggage, and other blah blah blah to banish, set it on fire, and drop it into the community kiln.  It may sound silly, but the act of it certainly elevated my spirits.  I won't share my entire list with you (it was long and much of it quite personal), so I'll just hit a few highlights based on random categories:

Community - I've leaned awfully hard on isolation in recent months, and getting back in 'the game' will serve me well, I'm sure. Many of us go into a new year with the intent of 'getting involved', 'helping the less fortunate', 'being kind', and we shouldn't sneeze at these sort of sentiments.  Specificity is key, however:  in other words, what action, pray tell, will  you partake in to make your community a better place?  For me, it's bringing back hats.

Home - our houses, apartments, campers, and tee-pees should serve as our sanctuaries.  Be they big or small, grand or dumpy, they should all be one thing:  clean.  They should also reflect who you are by way of furnishing and decor (mine currently reflects a borderline schizophrenic with a fondness for Mediterranean fabrics, rocks/crystals, and old Hollywood).  I call it 'entertainingly earthy', while others have called it 'Shirley McClain on a very tight budget').  I like it; it makes me happy, and I sincerely hope that your space does the same for you.

My fire-place.  These are Sea Salt candle-holders (a gift from my mother).  The rocks I collected from my vacation in Chama,  New Mexico.

I purchased this angel in Spain and gave it to my grandmother several years ago.  Nanny passed away in November, and I'm delighted to have this little trinket back.  She sits atop a glass bowl of crystals.

This photo of Dean Martin hangs in my downstairs bathroom.  That's amore.

Fashion - re-read my last musing from December, and review my previous comment re:  hats. (Side note:  I will be including 'look of the day' photos in future musings to show you, Sweeties, that you can look fab on a budget, and that you should look fab all the time. Get creative.  Here I am getting ready to run errands this morning:

Three-Way Poncho by Suzanne Sommers, pants by Target, the scarf was a gift from my mother-in-law, and I'm in sandals because 'pedicure' was on today's to-do list.  This will also be a chic napping outfit later today.

Overall self-improvement - once upon a time, I was a self-help book junkie, and if there's one thing I learned from my years of study, it's this:  they all say the same thing.  Pick one that resonates with you and go with it. Dr. Phil doesn't need anymore of your money, and you don't need Deepak's or Oprah's approval.  My personal favorite is Joan Crawford's My Way of Life, which I mused about last year during this time (see last year during this time).  She covers everything from organization to work ethic to fashion.  It may not be the most well-written book out there, and it certainly has its outrageously campy moments, but I can honestly say that it's one of my favorite books of all-time.

'Treasure yourself,' says Joan.  'Done,' says I.

Other random things we should all consider: 

-Eat healthy, but know that Kroger and Target carry hormone and gluten-free meats and poultry that are far more affordable than a certain healthy chain store that charges a week's wages for hamburger meat.

-Get on a good skin-care regimen based on your skin needs.  I'm on the verge of a birthday, so my needs are great.  If you're young and stay out of the sun, a good cleanser and mild moisturizer should do.

-Stop filling your mind/soul with garbage that passes for entertainment.  I'm currently enjoying Portlandia on telly, and I can't stop listening to Carlene Carter's Carter Girl album (which is not an album; it's a download on my phone.  I'm not that old or old school yet).

                                        She sure does look like her mama these days, doesn't she?

-Slow down, mind your manners, and display compassion for everyone.  They may look okay on the outside, but you never know what's happening behind closed doors.

-Speaking of 'behind closed doors', keep your personal business, drama, and half-naked selfies off the Internet.  I could also do without photos of your child's first kill of hunting season, but that's just me.  Oh, and ladies please stop with the duck-pout.  

I'm no expert; these are just a few tid-bits that work for me.  If you can use any of them, great.  If not, that's fine, too.  But if you do take anything away from this musing, let it be this:  hats.

A Kick in the Fancy Pants

I preached it and until this past year actually lived it.  What led to my fashion downfall, you may ask (or not).  Life, that's what happened.  2014 was way too real for my bones, and when you combine that with reaching 'a certain age' and the joys that come with it (sleeplessness, weight gain, unexpected 'warmth'), I figured 'why bother?'  It's not as if my little corner of suburban heaven is exactly a fashion capital.  No offense to my yoga-panted neighbors.

But then I watched a wonderful documentary called Advanced Style.  Based on the fabulous blog by Ari Seth Cohen, it featured fabulous older women (yes, much older than me) who do not let age, illness, or anything for that matter keep them from allowing  their inner fashion goddesses to shine...each and every day...rain or shine...in sickness and in health...til death do them part.

  If those gals in their seventies, eighties, and nineties could still get their style game on, thought I, then there's no reason why Beth Newman at almost mid-forty-ish, couldn't do the same.  (You know I'm serious when I refer to myself in the third person).

I realized upon viewing it that I had a closet full of old friends I hadn't visited in a long while, and spent the remainder of the evening playing dress-up, mixing, matching, ripping, stitching, and such.  I felt truly good, truly creative, and couldn't wait to get my style back on track. 

The next day

I put a button-down shirt underneath an old cocktail dress.  Paired it with leggings, cowboy boots, and a scarf.  The purse is an old thrift-store find that I love but had never really put to good use.  I wore this to the grocery store, got several compliments from the husbands of my yoga-panted neighbors, and a gorgeous young employee of the store insisted on carrying my two small bags of groceries to my car.  If that isn't success, Sweeties, I don't know what is.

Then later on....

I dyed my reddish-brown hair to reddish-red hair, thanks in part to past experiences with the hue and a recent Mad Men marathon.  Joan rules.  Enough said.

What I'm buying...

 Canned music and corporate outfits that resemble one another simply won't cut it for me, nor will the exorbitant prices ($120 for a plain white button-down shirt?  Thanks but no thanks.)   Give me thrift stores, consignment stores, and the fantastic Diva Exchange clothing swap parties hosted by my friend, Marian Bell (marianbell.com).  Or just give me your old clothing...

But then again, my style may not be yours.  I encourage you to figure out your fashion preferences and go boldly with them.  Fashion should be fun, and it's certainly a great way to express yourself. Do your homework, but most importantly get inspired.

You can't have style without inspiration.

-Isaac Mizrahi

Very true, Mr. Mizrahi, and thank you for the reminder.

Please please please check out Mr. Cohen's blog advancedstyle.blogspot.com

'Tis the Season

Okay, I know I know I know....I made promises to scribble more diligently, but life gets in the way, boys and girls, and I've been far too busy and sleepy to keep you in the loop. Anyhow, my intentions for rectifying the situation are good, so cross your fingers, wish me luck, and then get on with your lives.

'Tis the season, so let's talk about the joy of giving, and the headache that typically comes along with it.

First of all, I don't like to brag, but I've completed most of my holiday shopping, and what I haven't bought I intend to make.  Those on my gift list should be highly concerned right about now.

Online ordering proves itself yet again as the way to go, and many members of my family (myself included) have enough snap to set up Christmas Wish Lists on Amazon.  Sure, it eliminates the element of surprise to a degree, but I'd rather be slightly less thrilled in getting what I've requested rather than overly put out because I've received garbage for which I've no use.

As an enthusiastic giver of gifts, and an equally enthusiastic receiver of one (exceptions:  see garbage), I've put together a list of helpful hints and snarky suggestions for your holiday consideration:

Be Thoughtful:  Whether it comes from a wish list or not, really think about your recipient.  What does she need? (a good night's sleep) What does she want? (tickets to see Rick Springfield at the Hobby Center on February 6).  Notice her manner of dress, the way in which she decorates her home, what she eats, what she drinks, and the how she spends her time.  If she spends her time alone, overly indulging in food and drink, a nice necklace will suffice.

Regarding home decor:  if you're offering framed photos, keep the space of your recipient in mind.  Small candle holders are a nice thought, but can be tricky.  She may have bigger household issues to deal with (squirrel infestation), and a glass what-not from Kirkland's just might not cut it this year.

Be Creative:  I personally love home-made gifts, particularly if it's something that's well executed and comes from the heart.  

Think about your talents and go from there.  You might take a moment to make a list to help you narrow down your choices. Feel free to use my list as an example:

What I'm Good At:
-presenting information
-coordinating outfits
-keeping score

What I Pretend to Be Good At:
-knitting
-sewing
-listening

What I Don't Care That I'm no Good At But Do Anyway:
-cooking
-playing the ukulele
-spying

So everyone on my list this year can expect to receive vital information (gossip) while I sift through their purses. Don't tell me not to do it; I'm not listening.

Honestly, though, how many of our beloved actually need anything?  Do they have food, clothing, and shelter?  If so, why not put a little more time, energy, and money into helping those who don't have the essentials we take for granted.  For example:

-The Salvation Army Christmas Angel Tree Project- an opportunity to give gifts to underprivileged children and senior citizens in your area

                                          Or you could....

-Donate poinsettias or other holiday items to a nursing home or other facility that may need cheering

-Take all the toys your three ungrateful cats don't play with and donate them to an animal shelter.  Shelters will also take food, blankets, cat litter, and cold hard cash.

-Check in on a single neighbor to see if she/he needs anything done around the house (see squirrel infestation).

Let's get creative in letting our loved ones know we love them this time of year, but let's not be stingy with that love - lots of folks can use it.

Halloween Greetings and Good Advice

My friend invited me to join her for a 'dumb dinner' this Halloween.  She's the most fabulous pagan I know, and refers to 'All Hallows Eve' as Samhain (look it up).  Anyhoo, as I envisioned a scenario straight out of Dinner With Schmucks, complete with a long list of dopes I'd bring with me in order to exploit, she kindly explained what a dumb dinner actually is: everyone eats silently, an empty plate next to each guest, in order to contemplate and honor our ancestors.  The empty plate, I suppose, is for any ancestors who might want to drop by and mooch a meal.  I've already got relatives on this plane who do that, so why invite more trouble?

She told me not to come if I couldn't take it seriously, so I guess I'm on my own the evening of October 31, which is fine by me.

Don't get me wrong - I love Halloween, but I don't necessarily love everything that comes along with it, which includes but is not limited to:

-Sexy Nurse/Maid/Witch/Cat/Etc. Costumes.  How you dress tells the world how you expect to be treated, and this includes your choice of Halloween disguises.  If you want to be treated like a $10 'lady of the evening', by all means shell out $100 on a bit of flimsy fabric, but prepare yourself for the consequences and don't take offense at those who might leer and/or mock.

-Gory slasher movies.  They serve no purpose but to mess with one's head, and quite frankly, we've too many messed up heads among us right now.

-Tasteless Candy.  I splurged and bought a delicious organic brand for our neighborhood goblins.  Mr. Newman is convinced they'll egg our house as a result.  I may throw in travel size toothbrushes and toothpaste just for spite.  I'm doing a lot of things lately out of spite (be ready for my next entry on voting in the upcoming election).

Now that I've rained all over your Halloween parade, let me offer a few suggestions.  These are my tried and true Halloween pick-me-ups.  You're welcome (see 'Tip Jar').

Movies To Watch:
Strangers on a Train
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
Beetlejuice
Young Frankenstein

Music to Excite Your Darker Side (excluding Thriller - that's a given):
Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones
Dark Lady - Cher
Marie Laveau - Bobby Bare
I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

Spine-Tingling Reads
The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe
The Nightwatchman - David Braly
The Way Up to Heaven - Roald Dahl
Dear Fatty - Dawn French (not scary, but hilarious, plus the title alone might make us all think twice before dipping into the candy bucket...again)

Foods to Fill Your Soul:
Potato Harvest Casserole (email me and I'll send you the recipe)
Zucchini Bread
Pumpkin Cookies
Baked Apples

It is my sincerest hope that you and yours enjoy a safe and fun-filled Halloween.  May your treats be heavy, your tricks be few.  Cheers, Sweeties!

No Stranger to Fiction

A friend asked me recently if I'd ever considered writing fiction.  "After all," she opined, "writing about the drudgery of real life can be, well, drudgery to read after a while."  I gave her my standard line about 'writing what one knows,' and then went on to explain that I'm simply far too lazy to put any real effort into my written work.  With that being said, I've hit a dry well as far as my writing goes these days, so in order to overcome it I forced myself out of my comfort zone and came up with a few ideas.  I've not yet determined whether any of these will come to fruition.  If they do, then I'll have the mundane task of figuring out whether or not they shall manifest into short stories (most likely, see my comment re.:  lazy), novellas, novels, screenplays, or full-on, life-changing epic adventures.

So here's what I've got thus far.  Let me know your thoughts.  If anything strikes your fancy, I might pursue it, or perhaps give you the green light to write it yourself, you freeloader (see 'tip jar').

The Baptists Were Right - Jack finds himself at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by his boyhood Baptist preacher, Brother Con.  Brother Con informs Jack that everything he preached was true, and that the nondenominational spiritual garbage Jack practiced his entire adult life was not going to fly.  Jack must return to Earth and relive his life as a committed Southern Baptist.  He must avoid drinking, dancing, and compassion.  He must shun Catholics and homosexuals as he bellys up to the Sunday afternoon all-you-can-eat Country Buffet.  He must grow a horrible moustache.  Hilarity ensues.

Fashionably Late - Gloria is a fashion designer by day and a crime-fighting superhero by night.  When a Mexican shoe cartel vows to take over footwear manufacturing worldwide, it's up to Gloria (aka Fashion Flash) and her trusty sidekick, Pierre the Monkey (aka Pierre the Monkey) to bring down the cartel and save the shoe-buying public from exorbitant price mark-ups and low quality materials.  She also finds herself wildly attracted to Jose, a cartel henchman with a shady past.  A tearjerker.

Big Man in the White House - citizens of the United States, fed up with the political status quo, overthrow the government and elect Todd, the most popular boy in his high school, as commander-in-chief.  His good grades, athletic prowess, commitment to student causes, and his way with the ladies serve him well until he's faced with a decision no leader should ever have to face:  going to the state championship with the rest of his basketball team, or attending a global summit to stamp out virus-carrying terrorists.  Slapstick at its best!

Don't Cry for Me, Margarita - Charlene, an unhappy housewife, is fed up with her ungrateful family and heads west with her maid, Margarita, in order to find herself.  And find herself, she does - right in the middle of a traveling circus.  Margarita implores Charlene to reconsider her decision to join this team of freaks, even though Charlene has quite a knack for lion-taming (who knew!?).  Will Margarita stick around?  Will Charlene come to her senses?  Will her family even notice she's gone?  Cliffhangers abound!

The Secret Society of the Washed-Up Has-Beens - Former child star Leslie Lawrence, now a thirty-something out of work actress, decides she's had enough of Hollywood and calls on a few old friends to make changes within the entertainment community: there's Steve, an eighties one-hit-wonder who can no longer sing his one hit due to chronic respiratory issues; Midge, the pint-sized star in the 1990 documentary 'Life With Midge' who, at the age of 40, is still too short to ride a roller coaster much less get any work in film, and Glen, the once-celebrated costume designer who was blacklisted when he accidentally spilled coffee on Alec Baldwin's underpants when they worked together on Knots Landing.  Sheer terror.

That's what I've got so far.  Again, your (positive) comments will be appreciated.  Feel free, though, to offer any constructive (ie: positive) criticisms.  Thanks bunches, Sweeties!

Off The Grid

Nothing cheers the soul more than a few days in the great outdoors. 

 We found ourselves in New Mexico amongst majestic mountains, myriad plant life, hummingbirds, deer, and one bear who was too cool to have his photo taken.  The nerve.  Anyhow, a change of scenery and a much reduced pace was certainly what the doctor ordered (in addition to a special cream for an undetermined rash, but I'll save that gem for another time). 

For grins, the Mister and I took a little drive into Colorado for a bit of hiking.  As we made our way, I spied these fantastic little homesteads much removed from civilization.  I pondered what it might be like to live away from people, 24-hour grocery stores, and most likely, the modern convenience of technology.  Sign me up, I thought to myself.

The hike up Red Lake Trail certainly was a beautiful one. I'd just about mustered the courage to inform Mr. Newman that we should seriously consider a change -mountain folk living was sure to be a gas. But as I stopped for the 100th time to catch my breath, it occurred to me that in that particular area we couldn't get phone service, which was unfortunate because I was fairly certain that nothing short of a stretcher and a pace-maker could get me back down to the car. 

 We could live off the grid without hiking, I concluded. 

The quaint little cabin in which we stayed was the perfect home....for four days.  It wouldn't accommodate two people, two cats, and my vintage hat collection.  I don't keep a lot of stuff on hand, but the stuff I do keep is precious to me.  It's stuff I'd like to leave as a legacy to my nieces one day, who I'm sure will cherish it all the way to the junkyard.  Ingrates. 

So my notions of living off the grid won't come to pass, but that wonderful trip has renewed my appreciation of God's Green Earth, and it's made me take stock of what's really important; it has also caused me to eliminate a few things that no longer serve me.  I am perfectly happy to simply sit and think.  I can keep myself entertained without a number if gizmos...the exception being Netfix, because I'm just getting into Sherlock.

Presidential Pardon Me

Have you heard the one about our current commander-in-chief, who recently stated that the position of First Lady should be a salaried one?

I don’t know how you feel about it, Dear Reader, and far be it from me to get political here, but I think that it’s absolute nonsense.  Former First Lady Laura Bush agrees with me (she stated it in an article - I don’t actually know her).  I imagine the whirring sound we hear right about now is Jacqueline Kennedy spinning in her grave at the very idea.

In the article, Mrs. Bush mentioned the perks that come along with the position.  I think grand vacations on the nation’s dime fall into this category, as well as access to all the best wares American fashion designers have to offer.  You get to live rent free in a big house for at least four years, and have an entire staff of people ready and willing to do your bidding.  Depending on your political affiliation, Oprah and the rest of her ilk will sop you up with a biscuit.  What a life.

I can only imagine, though, that the role of First Lady comes with more than a few setbacks.  Media scrutiny is no picnic, I’m sure – you’re judged on everything from your primary causes to your hairstyle.  And imagine the family dinner table.  “How was your day, dear?”  is a loaded question.  The First Lady must brace herself for the response.  At times the President might regale her with stories of intrigue, high tension, and suspense.  Other times it may be all she can do to keep her head from falling into the mashed potatoes due to total boredom.

First Ladies have always fascinated me.  They didn’t sign on for the job, yet we expect them to step up and serve in some capacity.  Nancy Reagan encouraged us to say no to drugs, Hilary Clinton had health care, and now Michelle Obama is force-feeding our children healthy school lunches and encouraging us all to get into shape.  Noble intentions, but how effective are they?

Thirty years later, people still use drugs.

I won’t go into health care.

Students report that their lunches are awful.  They did that before the revised menu.  Heck, awful school lunches have been a staple ever since the idea of school lunches was conceived.

I think part of my problem with politics today is that the highest office held in our country has become a bit too pedestrian for my liking.  I don’t recall Gerald Ford swapping stories with Johnny Carson on late night TV.  Mary Todd Lincoln never graced the covers of any fashion magazine.  If you have any documentation that George Washington sat down and had a beer with a Regular Joe who disagreed with him, I’d like to see it.  There’s no mystique to it anymore, and I simply can’t take it seriously.  This isn’t necessarily a jab at our current administration.  I recall flinching when I saw Bill Clinton play saxophone on The Arsenio Hall Show back in the early 90s.  I was 22-years-old, and had only been eligible to vote in one election up to that point.  Call me old fashioned or a stick-in-the-mud, I just didn’t think it was appropriate.

Nor do I think it appropriate for our First Ladies to draw a paycheck, particularly when we have so many in the country struggling to make ends meet. 

Perhaps I’m guilty of waxing nostalgic, but there just seemed to be more glamour, elegance, and a sense of true service coming out of Washington once upon a time.   Washington isn’t the only guilty party.  We can point fingers at Hollywood, too.  Yet perhaps we as citizens should shoulder the blame, for we’re the ones allowing it to happen. We’ve dumbed everything down to such a sad degree, so why should we hold our elected officials and their families to a higher standard?

Because it’s the thing to do.  Perhaps if we did, we’d see some pretty remarkable results.